I am pretty sure my parents were trying to kill me.

I am pretty sure my parents were trying to kill us as children. I was going to say, ‘me,’ instead of, ‘us,’ then remembered that I have two older sisters. I sort of block them out of most of my childhood memories.

Because most of those memories consist of things like…. them making up mean songs…. with hand clap routines to go with the lyrics — like in ‘Miss Mary Mack.’

Anywhoo, here is proof that my parents tried to kill us:

1) When visiting my grandparents who lived in a trailer that was situated on an alligator infested pond in Florida, my mom would be all, ‘Hey Ma and Pa, why don’t you go put the kids in the paddle boat?’ And my grandparents would and my parents would watch from the safety of the enclosed patio as my sisters and I, all under the age of ten at the time, would paddle out into the alligator pond.

In my parents defense, they did worry about us playing in the Florida grass because of bites from fire ants. Looking back, I think being mutilated or swallowed whole by an alligator probably would have been worse than super itchy and burning bug bites.

2) When we would swim at the public pool during the summer, my sisters and I were so excited that my dad could stand in the deep end and have his head above water, something none of us could do yet. We would be all, ‘Dad you are sooooo tall. Can we swim under you?’ Because at our age that sounded like a fun game. So we would play the tunnel game, which meant touching the bottom of the pool and swimming past Dad’s ankles. My dad would think it was funny to trap us with his feet while we were under water. Um, hi, Dad, we couldn’t breath under water. I do remember sucking in water a few times.

Also, Dad would play a game called, ‘How long can you hold your breath?’ in which we would voluntarily allow him to put his hands on our shoulders and hold us under water until or arms flailed about enough for him to decide that we had reached our limit. We would all get very excited if we lasted longer than the other sisters, and I remember voluntarily sucking water sometimes during that game.


It all seemed like fun at the time, but as an adult looking back, I can’t help but wonder…. Were our parents trying to kill us? Don’t worry, things turned out okay. And I am pretty sure that my parents do care because since Rich has been struggling to find work, they are helping us pay our mortgage. Although my dad says they are doing because if they didn’t, Rich and I would probably end up homeless and then he would feel bad and let us stay with him and mom, and he would rather shovel out hundreds of dollars a month than have me staying in their house again.

PS. In case you were wondering, one of the songs that I remember my sisters making up, and that had an accompanying hand clap routine, went like this:

Punky is a big fat cow

She eats and sleeps and smells like a sow

There’s always a flood

and bugs in her hair

and nothing’s ever right for Punky

(I believe the flood lyric referred to high water pants. And I give them credit for rhyming in the first two lines, but after that, the poem really lost its artistic appeal for me.)

17 thoughts on “I am pretty sure my parents were trying to kill me.

  1. Ah, the hand clapping games! I learned some from my aunts (I was an only child) and then more at summer camp. And then I forgot most of them. /sigh

    What about Lawn Darts? Did you have those? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. I don’t think my parents were trying to kill my sister and I but they did manage to warp us a little. Money was short so when shrimp was available my dad used to ask us if we wanted any grubs. We ran from the room so there was no need for my parents to share.

  3. I love how completely overprotective my mother is with my kids, and I look back at how insanely lax she was with me, and I’m like, “You have GOT to be effing kidding me!” Meanwhile, she was let me have premium cable in my room from the age of ten, and didn’t think I was watching softcore porn on Cinemax. I am so lucky I’m not a stripper. Although that’s mostly just because I’m fat.

  4. I don’t ink my parents’ car even had seatbelts! We were all just flopping around on the floor back there like seals!

    If… Seals were to be put into a station wagon that is.



    • Oh my gosh, that reminded me that there used to be a hole in the backseat floor of our car when I was a kid. My parents covered it up with a floor mat. I used to sit on that floor next to the hole when my sisters would force me off of the back seat, and was simply warned to be careful. I think I was 6 or 7. It is pretty weird that I am still alive.

  5. I remembered my uncles throwing us on the water(we lived by the not-really-beach-but-almost-like-it part of the city) when we were little so we’ll learn how to swim. And my grandmother catching her wine instead of my sister when she fell from the stairs. (Grandma said she can’t pick her wine but she can pick my sister-whatda! :D)

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