And my mom said, “What’s a dildo?”

My mom used to collect spoons.

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What?

That’s right. Spoons.  Gift shops at tourist-y places would sell them. They would have a handle with the shape of the state of Mississippi on the end. Or Mt. Rushmore. Or where ever our family had ventured road trip style that summer.

She had dozens hanging on the kitchen wall.

And she had a necklace. With a spoon on the end.

“Mom, what is this?” I asked one day, while perusing her necklace rack for something to steal for the weekend.

“Oh, honey, well, you know how I like to collect spoons. People know that about me and someone gave me that as a gift. I think maybe Carry? Isn’t it cute?”

“Mom. You know what this is, right?”

And bless her, she didn’t. Remember the 1980s? And *why* people would wear spoons around their necks?

Sigh. (I wonder if this Carry person knew?)

Of course, this is the same mother who once asked me, ‘What’s a dildo?’ (She is forever known among my friends as the ‘what’s a dildo’ mom. Not to her face, of course. And please don’t ask how we even got on that topic of conversation. Awkward.)

We once ate at a restaurant and the tea light at the table was not lit. My mother said to the waiter, ‘I wanna get lit,’ holding out the white-wicked candle, and thought she was hilarious. Due to my past experience with her lack of knowledge in most things ‘racy’ (a word she regularly uses), I pointed out my surprise at her joke, to which she responded, “Honey, I grew up in the 60s.”

This is the same woman who once covered her ears shouting “la, la, la” when I was discussing picking out a new comforter for myself and hubby. I guess talking about a blanket that we shared on a bed that we shared was too racy for her.

 

31 thoughts on “And my mom said, “What’s a dildo?”

  1. My SIL’s nieces got some Toy Story toys for Christmas a couple years ago. The oldest girl was so excited that she got a Woody doll and my SIL’s mother being the sweet innocent thing she is is down on the floor playing with the grandkids and exclaims “Well I wish Santa had given me a Woody for Christmas”. Her husband whispered under his breath “I tried to give you one but you said you didn’t want it, make up your mind woman”. My brother and his BIL had to leave the room to regain their composure. To older generations everwhere we would like to say “bless your stupid hearts”.

  2. I have lived my life believing my mother to be very Mrs. Cleaver-esque, and so was a bit shocked when she told me she knew was a vibrator was (I was warning her about a chapter in a book I was reading and wanted to pass along). My mom grew up in the 60s, but she was one of those good girls who stayed away from the hippies and did her homework. She’s never smoked a cigarette, and when I asked her if she thought we would’ve been friends (you know, if I weren’t her daughter and we were the same age in school), she wasn’t sure…I’m a little crazy for her 🙂

  3. Wait….. waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit….. crack? Is this a crack reference? Because I feel HELLA old over the fact that I’m not sure.

    Though, one time I almost got suspended in high school. I was wearing these flower earrings, and I got pulled out of class, and I explained they were a gift from my mom. The teachers didn’t believe me, so they called her. I was sitting in the room, and they put her on speaker. They asked her if she had given me the earrings, and she was like, “Yes! What’s the problem?!”

    “Mrs. Stern, her earrings are POT LEAVES. We don’t encourage drug use in this school.”

    I swear to G-D, neither one of us had any idea.

    I didn’t get in trouble, but I never wore them again to school.

  4. Man can I relate… One horrible night my parents and I were flipping through the movies and “Deuce Bigalow – Male Gigolo” came on and my father asked me, “What’s a Man Whore?” I swore I’d never see a racy movie if he was in the same room ever again and wouldn’t you know it, one night the Swedish “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” was on. I believe I ran screaming from the room.

  5. I *totally* don’t know why anyone would wear a spoon around their neck, but my MIL once said her husband bought her a very nice vibrator for Christmas. It was a massage chair.

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