Marriage and Vibrators

Two weeks ago I mentioned that our coat closet was stinky.

Last night, hubby went to Target without me. He came home with some Glade air fresheners that were on sale for a dollar. Oh my gosh. I did not ask him to buy these. He took it upon himself to get them. Aww, he listens! And, he got them on super sale, because he knows I would flip if we spent money on something that was not essential (financial crisis, blah blah).

He knows me so well. (Oh, he also bought pads for me while he was there. Yes, he knows what kind I like and he ‘Always’–heehee, get it? Always?– gets the right ones. I love this man.)

Our conversation prior to his Target trip:

Hubby: I’m leaving. I’ll be back soon.

Me: Take your time.

(Keep in mind, during this exchange I am snuggled under blankets in the bed and he is standing in the bedroom doorway.)

Hubby: Do you need me to hand you some lube and your purple monster?

(The purple monster is his name for my giant purple vibrator that is shaped like a beaver. The animal kind.)

He points to the night stand.

Me: What? No! Just go.

Seriously, just because one time . . . okay, maybe three or five . . .okay already, 14 times, I have encouragingly scooted him out of the house for some ‘alone time’, he acts like I am some kind of fiend.

Anyway, how does he know? By the way, I totally wasn’t going to . . .you know. . . at all.

I actually had a long day of work and then school and was looking forward to getting some sleep and hogging the bed to myself (sprawling out like crazy! Who decided sharing a bed as a married couple was a good idea? I had more room for myself on the twin bed in my college dorm room than I do sharing a queen with the love of my life).

Oh well, let him think what he will.

Honk if you still love your vibrator even though you have a good man with an attached purple monster of his own!

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P.S. What does it say about my sexual education that when I bought my vibrator, called ‘The Eager Beaver,’ I did not get the name. Not even one little bit. I was all like, ‘how weird that this thing is shaped like a beaver with the overbite teeth and everything, why would they make something like this in the shape of an animal?’ Good thing hubby made me watch every single Kevin Smith movie. I got my education.

7 thoughts on “Marriage and Vibrators

  1. Uh, you should never ever come to where I live, about 75% of the population is so sheltered they don’t think the following words are dirty and will look at you strange if you laugh when you say them: wood (or any version of that word), beaver (we have a ski mountain named Beaver and their slogan is “ski the beav”), morning glory, lady garden/cave, bonk, eating out, hummer, sausage (or anything relating to), pickles (see sausage), yodeling in the canyon, shag, snog, etc.

    In fact I was the only person in a packed theater who was surprised that Joss Whedon got a PG-13 rating with the word “quim” in the theatres. It was embarassing how many people I overheard whisper “what’s a quim?”. My exhusband absolutely freaked out if I suggested toys of any kind in the bedroom, because “that would be weird”, what he really meant was “I’m insecure about being terrible in bed”. *sigh* It’s just sex people, enjoy it while you still can.

  2. Purple Monster: Grimace? Or Vibrator? – slimegreen

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